and now for something completely different

I understand this whole thing is a process you just have to get through. It's made difficult on purpose, so that only those of us that really want it get it.

So for my next trick, I will be in rewrite mode... with the goal of a pass at the end of 6-8 weeks. Well, maybe goal is too light of a word. A pass is really my only option... unfortunately, just thinking about this makes my stomach turn. I know failure is a part of life, and I know no one makes it through life without failing at some point. I have also been told that now that I've failed, I should be less afraid of it... really??? Cause this is not the reaction I am currently having.

The mere THOUGHT of receiving the question I'm to address in my inbox causes me to retch. Do I think I'm capable of analyzing a problem, forming some commentary or argument based on literature? Sure. Do I think I'm capable of addressing questions in an intelligent manner? Sure. Do I think I can pass this exam? Sure. Am I scared shitless? ABSOLUTELY. Does this make any sense? Not even close.

emo post

no one understands, but they all think they do.

it's good to have options

Academia can be extremely frustrating at times... my process of getting through qualifications has been likened to joining a sorority; maybe I'm just too fat or ugly to get in... People keep saying "it's perseverance that will get you through". The question for me becomes "when is it no longer worth the struggle?" To that end, I give you my list of alternative careers, just in case today puts me over the edge...

-Goat farmer/cheese maker (Switzerland may be a good place for this, no?)
-Personal shopper (as I will have no money, I will need to spend someone else's)
-Roadie (I love live music, and I think I could talk my way onto the Andrew Bird tour)
-Dog-walker (New York, for sure, would be the place for this one)
-Hobby enthusiast (I'm not sure this is an actual job, but I can think of a lot of hobbies I'd like to take up...)
-Tailor (always wanted to learn to sew, seems that it would be very rewarding to make clothes)
-Travel book writer (hey, if Steve can do it, why not I?)

At least I have some options...

For my mom

Thought she might like to see a (albeit horrible) picture of me with darker hair. It's an experiment we're trying. Richie says I should go even darker for a "goth" look... well...

BEFORE
AFTER

disappointment

Most of the time I surprise myself with how truly strong I can be, and how well I perform under pressure... and then there is the occasional flop. My latest flop happened yesterday. I don't claim to be perfect, far from it... but why is it that the moment in time that I need to be the strongest, do I fear failure to a point that it causes my entire body to freeze? It was a rough day, and today I begin to deal with the consequences. People are disappointed in me, no more than I am in myself I suppose, but it's still not a good feeling all over. I suppose I was due for a blow to my esteem; the last few weeks have been so draining, not just from school, but personally as well. I guess I finally reached a breaking point. Bad timing, but it is over now. Wishing as hard as I can to turn back the clock isn't going to change anything, not sure that it would even matter.

I'm trying to focus on what I need to do next, prepare my ass off for the next step. Focus on the positives, and really kick my game up a notch. But I keep getting caught up in my head, the thoughts of "is this really what I want to do?" keep creeping in.

Get out of your head, Chance, and get into the game.

Richie is in Rio... I am jealous

I don't really think this is entirely fair. Stupid quals.

tennis blog

I'm sitting on my couch, recovering from a hazy day (word to the wise, dramamine is not a good sleep aid) watching a little bit of "the tennis". It's amazing to watch women play tennis nowadays. They hit much harder and faster than they used to; I can't even imagine having Venus' physique.
I've only started watching more tennis in the last year or so; I suppose "the Aussie" and fam are wearing off on me a bit. I was supposed to get weekly lessons last summer, as it's a sport I think I'd really enjoy playing, but apparently it rained each of my lesson days. It's probably for the best, one less weekly opportunity for "the Aussie" to make fun of me ;-)

the reply

Dear Quals

I'm over you. I think it's time to break up. I'll be needing my t-shirt back.

-Chantel

Obligations

I've been thinking a lot about obligations lately. Obligations are sort of strange beastly things, and we all have to deal with them; moral obligations, societal obligations, self-imposed obligations... But what happens when two obligations are in direct opposition, and what happens when the conflict has been caused by the decisions of other people? What do you do when you are thrust unwillingly into a moral battleground? How do we decide which obligation to let fall to the wayside, and what are the consequences? There probably isn't a right answer, and this is surely something that every one of us has to face at some point.

I wish I could request a mediation. Dear Obligation one and Obligation two, you are requested to work with me in order to come to a compromise. Too bad I don't live on Sesame Street; there doesn't seem to be a compromise available for this one. But all hope is not lost.

place coding, take two

well, I've spent the past few days musing over my notes on this topic, and while I feel reasonably confident that I could write on it (save citations), there is one little hiccup. One of the broad umbrella questions here is "how do we know tonotopic organization is important?" For this question, I feel a little bit like a mother who's kid just asked why the sky is blue or something like that. Now I know there is a good explanation for the sky being blue, most parents will just say "it just is". Well, tonotopic organization is important because "it just is".

In this whole frequency selectivity argument, there is an important distinction between the two theories of frequency encoding: place and temporal code. The basilar membrane can be equated as a series of bandpass filters, tuned in frequency from high to low due to a graded stiffness. Each point along the basilar membrane is maximally tuned to a particular frequency. This in itself implies that place is important. But where the proof? Well, here it gets a little tricky. There are sort of two approaches I can see taking to answer this question. One approach would be to ask the question, what happens when we lose tonotopic organization? The second is to ask where does the other model (temporal code) fail to explain frequency selectivity? Hmmm... it's quite possible that those mean the same thing... maybe there are subtle differences.

Ok, the first question: what happens if tonotopic organization is lost (or impaired)? How would we impair tonotopicity? Well, for one thing, we could knock out part of the cochlea. The problem with this is that it could also impair the other potential explanation.

And here I am stuck for the moment.