a friend lost

Yesterday was surreal. Started the day by reading an email telling us our dear friend was gravely ill and ended the day toasting him in an Irish Pub in downtown Indy. Chuck Stringer was one of the most genuine and good hearted people I have known and he is missed so much already. One of our friends put it best when he said that this is the type of thing that isn't suppose to happen to our friends for another 40 years. But here we are.

and now back to our scheduled program

I am free of the doubt. Yes. It has passed, and it feels nice to not be sad most of the time. I started my paper today, and am actually positive about the outcome. I think it was divine inspiration, funny what a little prayer and a little time away from the dramaz with some good friends and a very accommodating husband can do for a girl.

I became determined this morning that this paper is going to be as interesting as possible, even though the subject matter is rather dry and detailed. There is no grand experiment, no major discovery... just review and maybe a little speculation here and there. My goal for this completing this projects involves me completing (at least in a rough manner) a section every two days. At first this seemed to be a little much, but now that I realize that each section should really be 2-3 pages of material, it seems to be an obtainable goal.

Go me.

and now for something completely different

I understand this whole thing is a process you just have to get through. It's made difficult on purpose, so that only those of us that really want it get it.

So for my next trick, I will be in rewrite mode... with the goal of a pass at the end of 6-8 weeks. Well, maybe goal is too light of a word. A pass is really my only option... unfortunately, just thinking about this makes my stomach turn. I know failure is a part of life, and I know no one makes it through life without failing at some point. I have also been told that now that I've failed, I should be less afraid of it... really??? Cause this is not the reaction I am currently having.

The mere THOUGHT of receiving the question I'm to address in my inbox causes me to retch. Do I think I'm capable of analyzing a problem, forming some commentary or argument based on literature? Sure. Do I think I'm capable of addressing questions in an intelligent manner? Sure. Do I think I can pass this exam? Sure. Am I scared shitless? ABSOLUTELY. Does this make any sense? Not even close.

emo post

no one understands, but they all think they do.

it's good to have options

Academia can be extremely frustrating at times... my process of getting through qualifications has been likened to joining a sorority; maybe I'm just too fat or ugly to get in... People keep saying "it's perseverance that will get you through". The question for me becomes "when is it no longer worth the struggle?" To that end, I give you my list of alternative careers, just in case today puts me over the edge...

-Goat farmer/cheese maker (Switzerland may be a good place for this, no?)
-Personal shopper (as I will have no money, I will need to spend someone else's)
-Roadie (I love live music, and I think I could talk my way onto the Andrew Bird tour)
-Dog-walker (New York, for sure, would be the place for this one)
-Hobby enthusiast (I'm not sure this is an actual job, but I can think of a lot of hobbies I'd like to take up...)
-Tailor (always wanted to learn to sew, seems that it would be very rewarding to make clothes)
-Travel book writer (hey, if Steve can do it, why not I?)

At least I have some options...

For my mom

Thought she might like to see a (albeit horrible) picture of me with darker hair. It's an experiment we're trying. Richie says I should go even darker for a "goth" look... well...

BEFORE
AFTER

disappointment

Most of the time I surprise myself with how truly strong I can be, and how well I perform under pressure... and then there is the occasional flop. My latest flop happened yesterday. I don't claim to be perfect, far from it... but why is it that the moment in time that I need to be the strongest, do I fear failure to a point that it causes my entire body to freeze? It was a rough day, and today I begin to deal with the consequences. People are disappointed in me, no more than I am in myself I suppose, but it's still not a good feeling all over. I suppose I was due for a blow to my esteem; the last few weeks have been so draining, not just from school, but personally as well. I guess I finally reached a breaking point. Bad timing, but it is over now. Wishing as hard as I can to turn back the clock isn't going to change anything, not sure that it would even matter.

I'm trying to focus on what I need to do next, prepare my ass off for the next step. Focus on the positives, and really kick my game up a notch. But I keep getting caught up in my head, the thoughts of "is this really what I want to do?" keep creeping in.

Get out of your head, Chance, and get into the game.

Richie is in Rio... I am jealous

I don't really think this is entirely fair. Stupid quals.

tennis blog

I'm sitting on my couch, recovering from a hazy day (word to the wise, dramamine is not a good sleep aid) watching a little bit of "the tennis". It's amazing to watch women play tennis nowadays. They hit much harder and faster than they used to; I can't even imagine having Venus' physique.
I've only started watching more tennis in the last year or so; I suppose "the Aussie" and fam are wearing off on me a bit. I was supposed to get weekly lessons last summer, as it's a sport I think I'd really enjoy playing, but apparently it rained each of my lesson days. It's probably for the best, one less weekly opportunity for "the Aussie" to make fun of me ;-)

the reply

Dear Quals

I'm over you. I think it's time to break up. I'll be needing my t-shirt back.

-Chantel

Obligations

I've been thinking a lot about obligations lately. Obligations are sort of strange beastly things, and we all have to deal with them; moral obligations, societal obligations, self-imposed obligations... But what happens when two obligations are in direct opposition, and what happens when the conflict has been caused by the decisions of other people? What do you do when you are thrust unwillingly into a moral battleground? How do we decide which obligation to let fall to the wayside, and what are the consequences? There probably isn't a right answer, and this is surely something that every one of us has to face at some point.

I wish I could request a mediation. Dear Obligation one and Obligation two, you are requested to work with me in order to come to a compromise. Too bad I don't live on Sesame Street; there doesn't seem to be a compromise available for this one. But all hope is not lost.

place coding, take two

well, I've spent the past few days musing over my notes on this topic, and while I feel reasonably confident that I could write on it (save citations), there is one little hiccup. One of the broad umbrella questions here is "how do we know tonotopic organization is important?" For this question, I feel a little bit like a mother who's kid just asked why the sky is blue or something like that. Now I know there is a good explanation for the sky being blue, most parents will just say "it just is". Well, tonotopic organization is important because "it just is".

In this whole frequency selectivity argument, there is an important distinction between the two theories of frequency encoding: place and temporal code. The basilar membrane can be equated as a series of bandpass filters, tuned in frequency from high to low due to a graded stiffness. Each point along the basilar membrane is maximally tuned to a particular frequency. This in itself implies that place is important. But where the proof? Well, here it gets a little tricky. There are sort of two approaches I can see taking to answer this question. One approach would be to ask the question, what happens when we lose tonotopic organization? The second is to ask where does the other model (temporal code) fail to explain frequency selectivity? Hmmm... it's quite possible that those mean the same thing... maybe there are subtle differences.

Ok, the first question: what happens if tonotopic organization is lost (or impaired)? How would we impair tonotopicity? Well, for one thing, we could knock out part of the cochlea. The problem with this is that it could also impair the other potential explanation.

And here I am stuck for the moment.

show puppies

Honey and Gracie were treated to their fall beauty shop appointment yesterday. Gracie hates going; she's not a fan of the blow dryer cages, or her mommy leaving her somewhere that isn't home. When we got home, I realized that Honey's ear infection was not improving with the home treatment, so off to the vet. Honey loves the vet. Three medications, two shots, and a box of heartworm prevention later... I was less of a fan, but maybe that is just my pocketbook speaking.

finally, feminism i can agree with...

I've been struggling recently with figuring out how to express my opinion on the topic of women's equality, feminism, "women in science", and the like... lucky for me, someone else did it perfectly.

http://www.thecrimson.com/article.aspx?ref=510560

Thank you, Virginia Fisher.

place coding

The broad topic of the first question of my qualification exam involves place coding in the auditory system. more specifically, I'm to examine frequency selectivity in the normal and impaired auditory systems, discussing the importance of tonotopic organization, and the potential perceptual consequences. I'm not sure what the exact question will be like, but it will involve these topics. Today I'm hoping to do something of an outline going over these main topics and getting a better idea of how the literature fits together.

In a nutshell... the tonotopic organization of the basilar membrane is essential for frequency selectivity. The basilar membrane is graded in stiffness, meaning the mechanical tuning leads to the system having "good" frequency selectivity. This tonotopic organization is maintained throughout the auditory system, including the CANS. Phsyiologically, this has been demonstrated in various experimental paradigms including basilar membrane input/output functions, auditory nerve fiber recordings, recordings made in higher brain centers, etc. However, it is equally important to demonstrate these phenomena behaviorally. This is where psychoacoustics comes in.

And now, back to my notebook :-)

hobby shmobby

ok, here is the deal. I have been so busy keeping up with the demands of graduate school for the last few years that I've completely lost touch with my hobbies... I haven't touched a piano for years, haven't completed more than one knitting project in well over a year, haven't been to a musical arts event in I don't even know how long, haven't put on my dancing shoes (well except for recent WIUX dance parties)... you get the point. I'm about three weeks from having my schedule clear up a bit, and now I can't decide what to do! Insanity. Should I volunteer somewhere, pick back up one of my long lost hobbies, get involved in a "just for fun" group... the possibilities are endless.I know for sure I want to pick my knitting up again this fall/winter, but just can't get into it much when it's 100 degrees out. I'd LOVE to play the piano again, but quite frankly have lost the courage to try it. I'm pretty sure that my fingers have forgotten "the moves" and I'll completely suck now... but it's definitely not off the table. If only I could find a private, quiet place to play . (I miss my Steinway, mom!)
I started leafing through the seemingly endless volunteer possibilities in Bloomington. The two best options so far seem to be the WonderLab (kids science center) or the Pets ALIVE spay/neuter clinic (I know that sounds weird, but obviously surgeries don't freak me out).
Then there are the new fun possibilities: ceramics class, photography class, knitting circle, or yarn spinning, etc.
Man, I never thought that figuring out how to spend a little spare time would be so difficult.

So what do you think?

patio garden

my oh my... how my garden has grown

A Summer in Review

As I prepare to begin another fall semester at IU, I though I would take some time this morning to reflect in the fun I had this summer. I often find that my hasty answer to the "do anything fun this summer" question is "not really"... I guess that really isn't a fair assessment of this particular summer.

The summer started with a pretty fun event: my sister Shannon turned 21! We had a great night out, and I had the chance to finally meet a lot of her friends (whom I love by the way).
I had a blast with my families this summer. Weekends at home were wonderful and relaxing. Spent some time with Ann and Tom before my birthday... went to a baseball game, spent some time fishing on the lake (caught nothing), laughed at the dogs when the wouldn't stop getting in the pond...(This last picture was taken right next to the spot that Richie and I got married three years earlier)

The next week, we celebrated three lovely years of marriage. Richie took us to Restaurant Tallent (where we were engaged); we had a sublime meal. I highly recommend this restaurant to anyone looking for fresh, unique, seasonal food in Bloomington. Next time we go, we will try the chef's selection taster menu.
Next up for our summer of fun was a sushi night at home
and June birthday (including mine) celebration at the Bloomington speedway. I'm really not a race fan, but I have to say, it's one thing you should definitely experience here in town one time...
In mid-June, I traveled to Florida to meet my beautiful new nephew and have some fun with my sister Brit. The beach was beautiful, but couldn't compare with the newest love of my life...
When I returned to Bloomington, I spent a little time at home... took our annual visit to the Taste of Bloomington, spent some fun times with friends at home...
Then, of course, we had to check out Ann's new ride... and the new Southern Illinois winery... (mmm... Sangria)And of course, what summer would be complete without at least a few visits with my family, and my best buddy Cooper! This summer Cooper learned to dance, swim, and is starting to work on his first words... he grows up way too fast!
We also got the chance to try out our sea legs when Sarah's family took us out on their boat. Mom rocked, Jim rocked, and I... well I made it up on my skis, but it wasn't pretty (I still have the bruises to prove it!)Of course, this post isn't an exhaustive list of fun times this summer... I also spent a little bit of time with Carrie, friends here in B-town, and lots of time with Richie and the dogs at home... but I ended the summer last night at the second WIUX dance party with Shan, Mike, and the rest of the WIUX crew...
Thanks for the fun summer, everyone!!!

Car Goes Crunch

My poor husband had a car minor accident today. Everyone is fine (thank God), but the car didn't fare so well; we can no longer open either passenger door. Hopefully everything will go smoothly with the insurance adjuster, but I'm prepared for this whole thing to be a major pain in the bum.

I was waiting to be picked up when the nastiness happened. Right afterward, Richie called a secretary to ask if she could tell me about it so I could come meet him at the accident site. Unfortunately when she told me, she failed to use the words "he's ok", so I walked about 5-6 blocks in a minor panic. Here are some shots from the scene...

I actually think this picture is kind of neat with the clouds on the windshield (which we just had replaced so the car didn't look ghetto- HA!). Just ignore the whole crunched in door...
We're pretty sure that the other guy's car is going to be totaled... it doesn't look to bad from the picture, but there were various parts of the engine on the ground from another view.

They say bad things come in threes... hopefully we don't have more in store.

Coffee shop banter

I'm sitting here in a crowded dimly lit coffee house trying to drown out the artwork being pounded on next door and the interesting discussion about photography going on next to me...

I'm supposed to be drafting my thoughts on one of my qualification topics: the mechanisms of generation of otoacoustic emissions. Not an easy question to answer (mainly because there isn't really a perfect answer yet)... but I intend to give it my best shot.

summer's over folks

well, almost. it's the week in Bloomington that I dread each year... welcome week. The week that my lovely quiet town is overrun again with undergraduate students. I will be avoiding campus at all costs this week, so if you are trying to find me, look somewhere that freshman don't know about yet. Soma would be your first best guess.

Tomato season has arrived. Our two well cared for tomato plants have begun to bless us with yummy red fruit, more than we can possibly consume. Want to make some salsa? Come and pick a few tomatoes at our place. Maybe we should throw a salsa party. hmm...


Quals are in three weeks. My stress level is starting to grow, I can't wait until this is over. Beginning to wonder what on earth I am going to do with my time when I'm not taking five classes and/or studying for qualifications... maybe I'll actually have a bit of spare time for some hobbies again!

busy busy summer

This has been one of my busiest summers. (Hence the no updates for a month) Generally, people tend to think, oh, she's in school, so she's free in the summer. While I am less stressed and have fewer obligations in the summer, what happens is that all of that free time turns into "who do I need to go visit next?" Don't get me wrong, I love to see every last family member and friend I can when I have the ability to travel more... but a girl does need a break once in awhile. That is what I'm taking for the next two weeks. A break from travel. Sorry to the family I have not driven to see yet, but I'm done for awhile.

Research is a slow going beast. I started up experiments again (hooray!) this past month, but have yet to collect any data (boo!). This is where doing animal experiments starts to drain me. I feel like when I am able to get data, and answer some questions, sacrificing an animal is justifiable. In the name of science and understanding. However, when a string of experiments goes badly, it gets more difficult. Am I doing the right thing? Is this ethical? Questions start to form in my mind that are hard at times to fight. Maybe tomorrow's experiment will fare better, and I will start to feel better again.

Quals are coming up. September is going to be here before I know it. Better do some more reading; I'm feeling so behind. Unfortunately there really isn't much motivation in my house after 6 pm... I want to rest, grill out, hang out with my husband. I just need to make more of an effort during the day. Ok, new goal for the week... three papers a day. Maybe I'll feel better when I can check some more papers of the reading list. And maybe posting about my progress will keep me motivated. Speaking of motivated... time to work!

Until tomorrow...

my little garden

I decided to plant a little garden this summer.

Usually I plant flowers only, but I loved growing up with fresh veggies right outside our door, so I decided to try a little vegetable garden this year. I've planted tomatoes and some herbs and all are doing wonderfully! I have about 2 dozen little tomatoes growing and ripening, and soon it will be time for fresh salsa!